Last night, once I got home from work, I sort of vegetated. I didn’t do anything productive. I didn’t write any articles. I didn’t read any books. I didn’t take a nap. I was on the computer just researching things and half heartedly watching Our America with Lisa Ling. While doing this mind numbing nothing, I had time to think.

I get baby fever all the time, and it usually goes away soon after it comes. Sometimes I get this burning desire to start a family, knowing good and well now is not the time. It’s true, there’s no “right time”. There’s no “perfect time” which is what I’ve been telling hubby, but he begs to differ. Last night, I allowed myself to be completely honest to myself, and leave out “rational thinking” and “logical thinking” and plain ol’ “common sense”. I allowed myself to be a silly 21 year old.

I was talking to Tara of The Young Mommy Life about starting a family young, and how her experience was. I told her my thoughts and my dreams about starting a family, despite it not being the right time. Her first pregnancy was not planned. She was 20, in college, and unmarried. But she said despite the hardships she endured, she wouldn’t change anything. She’s now married with 2 children, working and going to school. She’s making it work, so I felt she was the perfect person to talk to about it.

I asked her about the costs of raising kids, as I’ve heard it’s quite expensive. I also told her that a lot of my peers and former classmates have children, most of them are now single mothers, and somehow they’re still making it work. So why can’t hubby and I make it work? Isn’t 2 parents better than one? Most of them are still in school, some of them are working, and some of them aren’t. Again, they’re making it work. I told her how a few of my cousins my age or a few years older have had children, and while my family was initially disappointed to hear they were expecting children because they were not married, once the children got here, my cousins were praised for being such great parents. The immature 21 year old in me gets a little jealous honestly, because I know we can be great parents too.

I had to seriously ask myself “why such a desire to start a family?” My job appears to be stable, but the fact of the matter is, I’m still a temp. Hubby still hasn’t found work. We’re both still not done with school. We’re not even under the same roof anymore. Why would I want to put more added pressure on the both of us? What part of that makes sense? Honestly, it doesn’t, and the logical side of me knows that. So I dug a little deeper.

Growing up, I had such an awesome childhood. I had a blended family, with parents, stepparents, 5 stepbrothers and 2 half-sisters. My grandparents were active in my life and my parents were all hard working. I had everything I needed and wanted. We weren’t rich financially but I sure believed we were rich in everything else. Christmases were always amazing, and really, everyday was Christmas for us. I loved my childhood. Then, my family started to fall apart.

One of my brothers left home. My stepdad left. His and my mom’s relationship deteriorated over 7 years. My dad and stepmom recently got divorced, and that tore my other side of my family apart. So I went from a huge, loving, blended family to a family torn apart. I only talk to a few of my siblings every now and then. I no longer speak to my (former) stepparents. And I long for that feeling of love and security again, even at this age.

So the selfish part of me thinks a baby is the answer. I can start my own family, and keep it strong, keep it together, give my child or children what I had growing up and more. I know it would be hard and I know it would be stressful but I know it can work. I see families make it work all the time, doing whatever they have to do, and I feel like we can do it too. But part of me also knows it’d be somewhat reckless to have a baby right now. It’s not the answer. And it’s a chance it won’t feel my family void.

I just wanted to be honest to myself, and to you, the readers, about my internal struggle with starting a family. I’d love your honest feedback, and even if you choose to judge me, I hope that you can recognize it took a lot to admit this to myself, and even more to share it with you.

(Photo above is of my mom, my stepdad, 3 of my brothers, my sister-in-law, 2 of my nephews, and myself)