The other day, I was asking my husband what he’d like for Christmas. He mentioned that he wanted the iPhone 5, which he’s wanted since his birthday. Once he realized he spent the majority of his money on bills, he instantly got bummed. So he replied “All I want for Christmas is a job.” He got pretty down about it, which he usually doesn’t show to me, but he allowed himself to be vulnerable.
Hubby’s been out of work for 15 months now, the same amount of time I was unemployed before I started my new job. During that time, I was definitely depressed. I know it was hard on him to see me down, and I’m sure it was even tougher to keep me upbeat since I was already being treated for depression. He’s pretty good about hiding his emotions (one of our consistent arguments) but I was definitely caught off guard.
I don’t want hubby to feel defeated, and I know in many cases, a man’s worth is often tied to being able to provide for the family. Fellow blogger Tiya wrote a great article about the do’s and don’ts when dealing with unemployment in a relationship. While we’ve been going through our problems, I was doing something on the don’t list: highlighting the negative. I’m working on the things on the do list, including praying over our marriage and encouraging him.
In our recent arguments, Terrance has mentioned that he does not have the same skills that I have in order to find a job. Skills in social media marketing and freelance writing are in constant demand, so even while I was unemployed, I was still able to pick up some side gigs to make ends meet. His previous jobs were cashier/assistant manager at a grocery store, and general labor at a factory. He gets lots of aches and pains, so working a physically demanding job is not on his wish list.
But I want to keep him motivated. I tell him all he can do is try his best and keep applying, and give it to God. Recently, two of my coworkers were let go because of performance issues, and my supervisor mentioned that we’ll be looking to possibly replace them soon. I let him know about this, and will definitely stay on top of it as far as finding out when we’ll be looking to fill the position. I used to send him job openings I would get via email, but I got tired of him having something to say about every single position, so I stopped. I know he’s frustrated, so I try to be patient.
One way I’ll try to keep hubby motivated is by not putting the pressure on him like I have been doing. I admit, this year has been rough, and I’ve pushed harder than I should regarding him getting a job. However, that approach is not effective, and it doesn’t show support. Outside of that, I’m not really sure how to go about keeping him motivated. I definitely want to encourage him to follow his passion (music), but I’m also concerned about getting back under the same roof.
Do you have tips on keeping your spouse motivated during a hard time?
At a young age it is engrained in a man that he is suppose to be the head of the household and he is suppose to provide. so when it comes to a point where he feels that he can’t it mess with his pride. I would say shower him with unconditional love, listen when he is ready to talk about what he is feeling listen, provide a strong support system., help in the job search because two heads are better than one. also will increase he’s chances of finding something.
Very true, my husband’s pride has definitely taken a hit. I will shower him with love and encouragement, and lend him a listening and nonjudgmental ear 🙂
My husband’s been out of work for 14 months. No one ever thinks unemployment can go on as long as it does for some of us, but obviously it can. One way that I find helps us both is to network, not just him, but myself as well. Besides letting the obvious friends and family know, if you (the spouse) are on any type of social networking site with even a list of just 10 friends/connections, try tapping into those connections because you never know who’s that one person that’s going to be the one that helps you. Of course, the longer your list of connections, the more possibilities there are. So if you’ve been putting off telling everyone you know of your spouse’s predicament for whatever reason (maybe you both have become embarrassed by it, maybe he doesn’t want you to say or maybe you think it won’t really help because you feel the odds are against you), do a 180 and start spreading the word, because you never really know who can help you unless and until you ask. I was sort of guilty of a couple of those reasons I mentioned (in parentheses) until I read more and more articles on unemployment and realized that networking is the main key to finding a job. Like a key to your house, the key of networking is something you always want to keep it with you and handy at all times because it’s a very necessary tool to opening up new doors.