I don’t post much anymore. Mostly because I’m unsure of what to say or how to say it. I live in a state of confusion, and it’s frustrating. But everyday is a learning experience and everyday I’m one step closer to peace.
I have an undeniable void that nags and begs for my attention. Most times I try to ignore it because I don’t know how to address it. Other times when I’m not busy, I try to figure out how to handle it. I pray, I read books, I listen to music, and the void is still there. It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced.
I’ve now been separated for 4 months, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. It’s lead me to question so much: my husband, myself, the foundation of our relationship, events throughout our relationship, the authenticity of our marriage, you name it. It’s also caused me to take a good, hard, long look at a lot of things: my goals, my motives, myself. So instead of trying to avoid the void, I’m trying to tackle it head on.
Many people have voids for various reasons. Everyone approaches them differently. Some people opt for alcohol, medication, recreational drugs, promiscuity, reckless spending, but all these things are the equivalent of Fix-A-Flat. These are temporary solutions to a very real and very serious problem. It needs a repair, not a quick fix.
To be honest, part of me comes up with excuses as to why I “can’t” deal with the void. The biggest excuse is that I need answers/closure. But I have to become okay with the fact that I may never get those things. I hate limbo. It is the most maddening state of being I’ve ever been in. The state of uncertainty. The problem with not knowing. The fear of questionable outcomes. I hate it. But what can I do about it? I can be upset but that doesn’t help or change anything.
I miss my husband. I miss him as my partner, I miss him as my best friend. I haven’t seen him in 2 months. We only talk sporadically. When we do talk, I end up going off the deep end (embarrassing). The few times I’ve gone to file, I couldn’t do it for one reason or another. I don’t know if that’s a sign or just a roadblock. Who knows. But I do miss him.
With the breakdown in this relationship, I’ve been able to strengthen my relationship with God. I’ve been going to church more often, I’ve regularly attended bible study, I’m reading the Purpose Driven Life, I listen to podcasts, I look for scriptures on my own, and biggest of all, I pray. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed this much in my life. I pray in the morning, I pray at night, I pray in the middle of the day. It definitely helps, even when I don’t see immediate “results”, I know it’s working.
So honestly with all this uncertainty and being in limbo and being estranged (ugh when I looked up the definition of that it just irked me even more), I still have to face this void. I can’t just fill it, I have to conquer it. It’s messy, it’s mind numbing, it’s scary, but it’s necessary. I’m allowing myself to be open. I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings. And I am confident that no matter what happens, I am going to be victorious when it comes to this void.
I say all this to say if you have a void that you’ve been avoiding, take it head on. I’m not saying don’t be scared; it’s scary! I’m saying do it anyways. Be courageous. Stop trying to fill the void. It’s like filling your stomach with food. You get full, but eventually, you get hungry again. No, this is something that has to be dealt with and ultimately eliminated. So let’s do it.