There’s some people who tackle problems head on and there’s others who try to ignore it and hope that it goes away. I’ve been both of those people. Right now, I’m really kicking myself for being the latter. This year has been the absolute worst for me financially for obvious reasons. But I’m drowning in debt. At this point, I have to rob Peter to pay Paul, and then here comes Joseph telling me I owe him money too. It’s so frustrating and it gives me anxiety, which triggers my depression, which shuts my entire productivity down.

My problem is I know better. I’ve always known better. I’ve never been able to play dumb about what was right and what was stupid. But for some reason I just continued to play stupid. It wasn’t smart, and now it’s catching up to me. Along with my personal loan from Lending Club, combined with my credit card debt, on top of my constantly overdrafted checking account, not to mention my always empty savings account, there’s a nice new debt that I owe: I owe my stepdad $500. Why? Because I got a ticket for speeding (which later ended up in an emotional breakdown) that I didn’t go to traffic school for. So the insurance went up an extra $500! Safe to say nobody’s happy with this. As if the $400 ticket wasn’t enough at the time. I have no one to blame but myself. I can use the excuse “I didn’t know how traffic school worked” and I really didn’t but it’s not good enough.

I’m not accepting any more excuses from myself. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of being the victim. I’m tired of making bad decisions. I’m tired of saying “I wish I wish I wish”. And honestly, this is more than about debt. I’m tired of saying how fat and unhealthy I am. I’m tired of not liking who I am or where I am in life. I’ve never wanted to become this person, yet here I am, a week away from my 21st birthday and no where close to where I want to be as a person. I can’t keep being concerned about other people and not concerned about myself. How am I supposed to be a role model when I’m at this point in my life?

So here’s to doing what I should’ve done a long time ago: getting my friggin life together!

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