Absence Makes the Heart Grow Up

As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve been sort of MIA, checking in when I thought I was on the verge of the dreaded D word. So I took a bit of pressure off myself to really focus on what was going on and what could (or couldn’t be fixed). “I wanna read marriage books. No I don’t! I want to blog through it. No I don’t!” I hate hearing women are indecisive, but I’ve made it very clear that it’s very easy to fall into that.

So while spending some time away, I had the chance to think and pray and read and journal and think. And during that time I came to a few conclusions and epiphanies.

Marriage is a Marathon

I used to run track when I was younger, and briefly in high school. I was a sprinter. I preferred the 200m because it gave me just enough time to speed up at the end, but wasn’t too long to where I burned out before I reached the finish line. In March, I started running longer distances, like 5Ks and 10Ks (maybe I should emphasize run/walk or wog). Now having a sprinter get conditioned to run 6.2 miles is hard enough, but imagine conditioning them to run 26.2 (which is actually my goal for October 2013). That’s a big adjustment.

And so is marriage. You don’t get married on Saturday and have everything you’re supposed to have in life next month. Or in my case, not even next year. That whole “til death do us part” thing usually implies the two of you will be stuck together until one of you flies the coop, which, thanks to medical advancements can be for multiple decades. So what do I look like trying to have a picture perfect marriage at 22, only a year and a half in?

Silly me, I’m very impatient sometimes. And bossy. And a bunch of other adjectives that can be seen as negative. But I’m a work in progress! That’s why I read so many marriage books. I appreciate that most of the authors admit their flaws and also reveal that they were quite contrary in the beginning of their marriages too. So I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that it won’t be like this always.

From the running books I’ve read, when you run long distances, it’s all about getting into a groove and pacing yourself. Just in the 3 races I’ve run, I’ve seen people take off like sprinters in the beginning, just to end up passing them up as they’re walking because they burned out. They didn’t pace themselves, didn’t find their rhythm. I haven’t been pacing myself. I have to find my groove, my rhythm. And with time, that will come!

While I’ve been going through this, my husband has been making an effort, a noticeable one that I truly appreciate. I can’t expect him to be perfect, and I wouldn’t want him to expect that of me. Does he still have growing up to do? Absolutely, we both do, even if it’s on different levels. But if I learned anything from the reading I’ve been doing, all I can do is pray about it. I can’t change him, but I can pray for him, which I have noticed has been helping, so I’m not gonna stop now.

As for focusing on me, that’s still a priority, especially when it comes to my health. But I’m now confident that it will make, not break my marriage. Becoming a better me will help me become a better wife, and I look forward to that. Where is it written in stone that the first few years have to be the honeymoon or super easy? I have been hearing stories that make my situation seem like a walk in the park, and it humbles me.

I’m even learning marriage tips from business books! I just finished the audiobook Start With Why and the same holds true with your marriage. Starting with why; why did I get married? I didn’t do it simply for status, or for material gain. I did it number one because I love my husband, and I believe he makes a great partner. Someone I can see myself in rocking chairs complaining about “that ruckus they call music”.

As we’re nearing the last days of 2012, I have a lot to reflect on, but also a new way of looking at 2013. I don’t want to look at my wine glass half empty, or even half full. I want to look at it like “I’m thankful I have wine in the first place, no matter how much is in my cup.” Because it’s true. I’m not going to keep comparing my marriage to some ideal in my head or to any other couples. I’m just going to work on it so that it can be the best it can be.

Comments (4)

  1. Reply

    LOVE THIS –> “I don’t want to look at my wine glass half empty, or even half full. I
    want to look at it like “I’m thankful I have wine in the first place, no
    matter how much is in my cup.”

    At a time when divorce rate is so high, and people give up on their marriages for just about any reason – I find it refreshing to read how much effort you are putting into making yours work. 🙂

  2. Reply

    I agree with everything Travis just said. I also love that quote! There are so many ideal versions out there for people to see, rarely do people see the intimate details of a true marriage. No one ever sees the fights or disagreements or lack if intimacy. Stop comparing b/c the ones you care comparing to, guaranteed are not as perfect as they may seem.

  3. Reah Idris


    Dear God i can relate, after 3 days when i first got married i was like okay this was wonderful Mom come pick me up please and thank you! I was 19 my husband was 22 and we were zip dang fools! But to even consider divorce in the first 3 years of marriage is really a disservice to yourself, your mate and your love, unless dude/dudette is being abusive mentally physically or financially it takes time. I don’t care how ideal your mate is or how perfectly synchronized your hobbies likes and dislikes, it is still 2 different people coming together to make a harmonious life and lifestyle. It takes more than love, because i love a lot of things and people that i dare not want to see and do every day BUT LOVE IS CRUCIAL and certainly the platform from which you build. And like they say find out what you love and get paid for it then it doesn’t seem so much like a job. But even in finding what you love and getting paid for it, it still requires you to SHOW UP and Commit and give it the attention it deserves. You just can’t say i love this job and do nothing? So good on you, i am happy to hear that you all have decided to continue to get paid by doing something you love and thats each other. And the pay days are phenomenal! A mate A lover A Friend A partner Someone who gets YOU and loves you not in spite of but because of! I am rooting for you guys and my prayers are with you all as well! Congratulations!!! Kudos to you both!

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