When Will People Learn: Relationships Aren’t All Sunshine and Rainbows

Lately, I’ve been the go-to person for friends’ and family’s relationship problems. Do I have an issue with it? Not at all. After all, I want to be a marriage counselor. I consider it pro-bono work ;). Well, I’ve been realizing a pattern in the problems lately. From my best friend, to my sister, to a stranger I read about on the blog, it seems like people are freaking out…for nothing. Really, the problems are all revolving around the same thing: people think that problems aren’t supposed to happen in their relationship.

Now when I finally get this belief out in the open from them, my initial reaction is, “are you serious?” But, as an aspiring counselor, I know that people aren’t confiding in me to be judgmental. They’re looking for guidance and they’re looking for answers. In many of the cases, people know they’re being a bit ridiculous when it comes to the things they bring up to me. It’s like they have expectations that their relationship is supposed to be all good all the time. That is not the case, in relationships nor in marriages. You’re going to have problems. You’re going to have disagreements. You’re not always going to get along…and that’s okay!

One of my best friends came to me with an issue she came to me with before. Now, she’s already confronted her significant other about the issue and it was resolved, but then it resurfaced. The issue wasn’t really that big to begin with. It was really something that showed her jealousy and her lack of control to keep track of who he was talking to on Twitter (again, social networks affecting relationships). Three things about her problem got me:

  1. She knew the issue shouldn’t have been a big deal. She acknowledged that but continued to be irate about it
  2. She said she trusted him, but the actions showed otherwise
  3. She thinks this one problem means he doesn’t love her
If you know something shouldn’t be a big deal, why do you make it a big deal? Your imagination will often get the best of you, and allow you to stress yourself out. Another recurring theme with the people coming to me is that they’re allowing their imagination to stress them out way more than the facts.
Fact: Best friend’s boyfriend has a friend of the opposite sex he regularly talks to on Twitter.
Imagination: They’re more than friends. They have some sort of relationship. He’s playing me.

Do not allow you relationship to be overtaken by fiction instead of fact! It will destroy your relationship. Stick to the facts!

As for the trust issue, I told her: trust is black or white; you either trust someone or you don’t. First she tried to argue that she trusts him 80% of the time. That doesn’t make any sense, especially since her and I both concluded he’s given her no reason to not trust him. Doing a little digging, we found that she actually doesn’t trust him. Not because of something he did, but because of her lack of trust for men in general because of her father. You have to get down to the reasons why you don’t trust someone, and then tackle the issue head on. Relationships are miserable without trust.

Now to the biggest problem: just because you have an issue with your spouse or someone you’re Parship dating, or they have an issue with you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It seems like more and more couples have this idea that relationships are supposed to be seamless, without bumps in the road. The first sign of trouble, they’re ready to pack their bags and call it quits. We’re not in a Disney movie ladies and gentlemen. Hell, even in Disney movies they’re a conflict! There’s no such thing as happily ever after. You can be happy a majority of the time, but you’re going to have issues. It’s inevitable.

In a relationship, any relationship, whether romantic, platonic, or even with your family, there are going to be disagreements and arguments. That does not mean there’s love lost. That does not mean your relationship is doomed. That does not mean anything other than the two of you aren’t on the same page. You can either compromise, someone admit’s they’re wrong and fixes it, or you agree to disagree. Do not make issues bigger than they are. Making issues larger than life will consumer your relationship.

Okay, I’m done ranting. I just want to get it across to people that relationships aren’t all sunshine and rainbows. They’re not made of sugar, spice, and everything nice. Sometimes you’ll get a few snips, snails, and puppy dog tails. You’ll have rain and mud in it at times. But that doesn’t mean things won’t work. I want to know what you think. Are people too quick to bail on relationships at the first sign of trouble?

10 Responses to When Will People Learn: Relationships Aren’t All Sunshine and Rainbows

  1. I don’t think trust *is* a black and white issue. For example, I can trust my best friend to keep secrets and be a good friend, but maybe not to say, cut my hair.

    It’s way too simple to say that trust is a black and white issue, and I don’t think it accurately reflects the complications of a relationship.

    Likewise, jealousy is a very complicated thing, and not necessarily logical. Even though we might know we have nothing to be concerned about, we can still feel jealous for no logical reason – other than fear of missing out. 

    • Lauren you bring up some great points. I didn’t think about it that way. I trust my husband to save my life, but I don’t trust him to take out the trash without asking lol looks like I may need to do a follow up post.

    • I would trust that good friend to tell you upfront that they can’t cut the hair. Saying that there are different degrees of trust makes more sense to me. Perhaps trust and expectations are mixed as well. I expect my mechanic to do a good job on my car, although I don’t trust him?

      I am not sure where I am going with this =]

    • Lauren- I agree. I think trust is black and white, with lots of gray in the middle! I absolutely trust my husband to do everything in his power to keep our family safe, i.e. He’s the one who makes sure all the doors are locked, the batteries in the smoke and CO detectors are working etc. I absolutely do not trust him to remember important dates unless he’s reminded. And while I have a high level of trust in him just based on the fact that I married him, most of the other things fall within a gray area that can change depending on the day.

      It’s like saying “I believe in myself,” which is true, but my level of confidence varies based on mood and circumstance.

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