First off, I want to say thank you for everyone who left a comment here, on Facebook, tweeted me, prayed for me, and thought of me because of yesterday’s post. Even those who did not contact me directly, but sent up a prayer or thought for me, it’s greatly appreciated Your support means everything to me.
So how do you follow up a post like Truth Hurts? Well, you just do. I know it sounded like things were pretty final, and no, things haven’t changed. I haven’t spoken to my husband since Sunday, and I don’t think we’ll be talking any time in the immediate future, as in this week. I won’t be reaching out because I know things are still extremely tender between us, and while I may be ready to talk, he’s not, and that’s been a big issue in the past couple of months: me forcing him to talk when he’s not ready.
Divorce isn’t a reality until someone files the paperwork, and even then, in California, it takes at best 6 months for things to be finalized. I have no intentions of filing for divorce. Although I have looked into the process, I’m not interested in getting into it. So what is this strange period/stage that we’re in? Separation.
The past 2 conversations we’ve had, I begged for a separation as oppose to a divorce. Some have brought to my attention that for the past year, living separately, we have been separated. I didn’t consider it as such. I guess I had a thought of what separation was and that wasn’t it. So what does separation look like?
Being separated looks different for each couple, just like marriage looks different for each couple. In my mind and by how things have been going, we’ve been separated for almost a month now. The beginning of “the end” was an argument that took place a few days after Christmas and before the New Year. So I’ll take it as we’ve been separated since December 29.
What happens during this time? At first, I thought we just desperately and wholeheartedly attack all the problems that we have. That strategy won’t work. So the first thing that happens is space. I admittedly have been afraid of space, which is what my husband has been asking for the past month. I took space as a threat to our marriage. My thought was, “how much more space do you need? We’re not living together, I’m not staying over regularly, our communication is mostly via text. What do you need space for?!” Space is for not just him, but for me too. I don’t know what he’s doing during this space that we’re not seeing or speaking to each other. Hopefully, cooling off, because there’s been a lot of anger coming my way from him. Thinking is one thing he says he needs to do during “space”. I’ve been thinking too.
The past couple days I’ve been thinking about our good times together. I miss our time together when we first moved in, before we even got engaged. This time was pre-blog, and we lived in an apartment together. I loved that apartment. It felt like home. We both worked full time, and opposite schedules for the most part, but our time together was special. Doing nothing really but enjoying each other’s presence. There was an understanding to get bills paid and not so much pressure. This was B.M.: before marriage.
Prayer is a huge component of a separation, at least in my marriage. My husband is a church-going man, but I honestly don’t know if he’s been praying or not, or if he is, what he’s been praying for. I’ve been praying that God soften his heart and open his mind, that he has forgiveness in his heart, that he realize his mistakes and repent for them, and that he finds what he’s looking for. I do have a feeling he’s depressed, and because I can relate, I pray that he doesn’t find shame in his feelings (whether it’s depression or anything else) and that he sees that I am here to support him, not to hurt him, and that he feels confident enough to trust me.
I’m not just praying that God changes him, but also that God changes me. One commenter made a note that maybe I’m the problem, and believe me, I’ve thought that too. Maybe some of my posts come off as pointing all my fingers at my husband, but I’m no angel. I know I do things that I shouldn’t, and that drive him crazy. I’d be the first to admit that. So I ask God to show me things I need to change, and to help me change them. The Serenity Prayer definitely has been coming in handy lately as well.
As for the next stages in separation, I don’t know. It depends on how these 2 things go. If space and prayer lead us to the next stage of reconciliation, I most definitely see counseling in our future. Some have suggested that I go to counseling either way, and I do. I have gone to counseling on and off the past few years, and I definitely think it helps. Some of the problems I go through are because of my relationship and some are independent of my relationship. So it’s necessary for me either way it goes. My prayer is that my husband would be open to going to counseling, both with me and by himself, because I do believe it will help.
So that’s where I am today. Emotionally, I’m feeling better than I did a few days ago. Still have a way to go, but I’m staying optimistic.