Tag Archives: Featured

Truth Hurts

We are officially 3 weeks into the new year. 2013 has already been quite the year. Whether that’s negative or positive at this point is still up for debate. I write this post with a heavy heart and a naked ring finger. My husband informed me, via text message no less, that he does not want to be married anymore.

When I first got the text message that he was “done”, I had a panic attack at work, and asked to leave. I deserved to hear these words face to face rather than to read it across my iPhone screen. Crying while driving, as dangerous as that is, and texting demanding to know what was going on, also dangerous, I arrived at his home. I returned my keys weeks ago, so I rang the doorbell. When he answered, I told him excuse me, because he insisted he had no time to speak with me, so I was there to speak with his parents.

That drama went on last week and ended with me asking him for a few more months to just see how things go. He nodded his head. This past Sunday I offered to give him back the MacBook I asked for back, because I had no need for it. He said that wouldn’t fix things between us and we were over, done, and he was not interested in being married anymore. Again, words via text message. I begged and cried and kept getting “no” “we’re done” “I’m over it”.

I was a mess on Sunday, because I have given my all to my relationship. I have made sacrifice after sacrifice, worked hard, invested blood, sweat, tears (many tears), money, and time. To be slapped in my face with rejection via text messages. For reasons like “you caused a scene at my house” (I didn’t; he was the one yelling at me outside) “everyone is in our business” (I asked my family and his what I should do, not what I would call people in our business), “my friends are talking about your blog” (I had no idea any of his friends read my blog, because he has never mentioned it to me aside from one incident last year which was addressed. But for those “friends” who feel the need to gossip about us, can you comfortably call yourself a “friend”?)

People have been asking me if I think  it’s someone else. I honestly don’t think so, and not because I asked and he told me no. I don’t think so because, honestly, who else would put up with all of this? When I respond with this, people laugh uncomfortably and nod in agreement. But there is someone else, or at least something else: music.

The person I married is gone. Whoever this new person is, Tej Blaze, is involved with something else called music. Common made a song called “I Used to Love Her” where her was affectionately referred to as hip hop. That’s what my husband is in love with. That’s what he’s willing to throw away our marriage for. He wants so badly to be an artist and a rapper and a storyteller that he will use any and all available time and funds to make music. When I would ask for weekends together, he’d claim he had music to mix. I want to stay during the weekdays after work, he has to record. He needed the computer to edit their music video. It’s all about his music.

I am hurt beyond belief, to the point where I feel it in my soul. My best friend and love of my life is gone. I don’t know who this new person is, but he has no time or love for me. And that hurts. I definitely cry from the way he’s treated me these past few weeks/months, but I cry even more at the thought that my best friend is gone. When I brought up the commitment we made to each other and the covenant we made before God, he didn’t acknowledge it. That scares me, because he’s a man of God.

I stand by the fact that I do not want to get a divorce. Both of my parents got divorced and I see what it does to families. It doesn’t just destroy those 2 people who were once one. I didn’t sign up for a part time marriage or a throw away one for that matter. But the fact still remains he doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t want to be married. His wife is music, not Briana. And that truth hurts.

What’s Your Family’s Mission Statement?

Every business has a purpose and a mission statement. Since our marriage is also a business partnership in a sense, we should have one too. A mission statement keeps us focused on what’s important, and keeps us accountable to each other. If you’re married just to be married, more than likely the marriage will fail. However, if your relationship has a purpose, it has the potential to thrive.

I came up with ours:

Motivate each other in all of our endeavors.
Yearn to be the best, for ourselves and for each other.
Remember the reasons why we fell in love with each other.
Interrupting each other is not allowed.
Communicate to the best of your ability, even when it hurts.
Kiss often; there’s no such thing as too much affection.
Service is another way to show your love.

This mission statement spells out our last name, making it ours. Each letter starts a phrase, and each phrase starts with a verb, what we should do and what we should keep in mind.

Come up with one for your family! What’s your family’s mission statement?

Photo credit: Travis Pizel

Hope for the Separated

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster. 2012 came to an end and my husband admitted something I already knew: he was not ready for marriage. I’ve made this speculation from his actions, but for it to come from him, I felt a myriad of emotions: relief, disappointment, frustration, fear, hope. We talked some more, as I tried to get him to open up more and see what else he was feeling. He said at times he feels uncomfortable around me. He did, however, tell me that he doesn’t want to get a divorce, so that was a relief.

So yesterday, I spent hours reading a book by Dr. Gary Chapman. It’s called Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed. I finished the book about 30 minutes before midnight. We’ve been physically separated for almost a year now, but I didn’t want to think of it as separation. However it was, and the mounting stress and reoccurring arguments just made it more clear. But this book gave me lots of hope.

The very word may bring fear to your heart, and you may not like it, but you are separated. You may as well say it: “I am separated.”

So I was strong enough to say it: I am separated. Sort of like any other recovery, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Not in a negative way. Saying this brings me one step closer to reconciliation.

When God instituted marriage, divorce was not an option.

During our back and forth, my husband said “I didn’t mention divorce, you did.” It’s true; I’m the first one who said the D word. Assumptions are what led to this (it’s true about the whole “ass” thing). Because my husband was saying he was “not sure” and “wasn’t ready”, I took that as he didn’t want to do this anymore. Divorce is not an option.

Guard your attitudes and actions; keep them positive. We cannot determine our emotions, but we can choose our attitudes and actions.

This is my first step: keeping my attitudes and actions positive. I admit I’ve struggled with this, as was pointed out by a reader, Lola. I plan on leaving the negativity in 2012 and pursuing positivity in 2013. There’s hope for us!

Allow time for your spouse to think, pray, and decide for himself or herself. You cannot force reconciliation— you can only make the prospects look bright.

I hated when my husband would ask for time to himself. It irritated me to no end. But I do have to allow him the time and space to think and pray and decide if he wants to do this without me forcing his hand.

Separation should be used as a time to rediscover your own assets and liabilities as a person and to take positive steps in personal growth.

This is the plan! It’s time to rediscover who I am, what I like to do. I’m excited about the idea of falling in love with myself. My body, my mind, my spirit will all be re-cooperating.

If we look to a marriage partner to give us a sense of worth and to bring happiness, we are looking in the wrong direction.

I can’t look to my husband for things I have to find in myself or find in God. It’s like punishing him for something he didn’t do. That’s not fair.

You must be willing to wait, pray, and love, even if at a distance.

Yes, it’s hard, but the benefit is worth it. I’m patient in some ways but can’t stand to wait in others. I don’t have to be in his face to love him. Loving from a distance is necessary and possible.

You are living in an abnormal state. Husband and wife were not made to live separated.

Many of you told me that when I announced we were moving back home separately. That message fell on deaf ears at first, but it’s loud and clear now. As we grow to reconcile, moving under one roof will be a high priority.

Much of our sense of worth comes from what we are doing with our lives.

People would kill to have my job, and I am very grateful to have it. I would love a career in which I get to truly help people though, and that is the goal.

It is not a choice to go back to the kind of relationship you had when you separated, but to work toward establishing something far more meaningful.

It’s not enough to want to go back to how we were. I want to work on a better, stronger marriage, one built on the proper foundation.

Remember, your objective is not to “get back together.” The objective is to give rebirth to your marriage.

That’s the goal! Married life doesn’t have to be miserable or extremely difficult. It’s work, but the benefits that go with it are so worthwhile. Even through a separation, a time of healing, we’re still technically newlyweds. We’re blessed to not be dealing with things like infidelity, a chronic illness, or a blended family. We’ve just got some growing up to do.

All quotes credited to: Chapman, Gary D (2005-01-01). Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed (Chapman, Gary) Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.