We are officially 3 weeks into the new year. 2013 has already been quite the year. Whether that’s negative or positive at this point is still up for debate. I write this post with a heavy heart and a naked ring finger. My husband informed me, via text message no less, that he does not want to be married anymore.
When I first got the text message that he was “done”, I had a panic attack at work, and asked to leave. I deserved to hear these words face to face rather than to read it across my iPhone screen. Crying while driving, as dangerous as that is, and texting demanding to know what was going on, also dangerous, I arrived at his home. I returned my keys weeks ago, so I rang the doorbell. When he answered, I told him excuse me, because he insisted he had no time to speak with me, so I was there to speak with his parents.
That drama went on last week and ended with me asking him for a few more months to just see how things go. He nodded his head. This past Sunday I offered to give him back the MacBook I asked for back, because I had no need for it. He said that wouldn’t fix things between us and we were over, done, and he was not interested in being married anymore. Again, words via text message. I begged and cried and kept getting “no” “we’re done” “I’m over it”.
I was a mess on Sunday, because I have given my all to my relationship. I have made sacrifice after sacrifice, worked hard, invested blood, sweat, tears (many tears), money, and time. To be slapped in my face with rejection via text messages. For reasons like “you caused a scene at my house” (I didn’t; he was the one yelling at me outside) “everyone is in our business” (I asked my family and his what I should do, not what I would call people in our business), “my friends are talking about your blog” (I had no idea any of his friends read my blog, because he has never mentioned it to me aside from one incident last year which was addressed. But for those “friends” who feel the need to gossip about us, can you comfortably call yourself a “friend”?)
People have been asking me if I think it’s someone else. I honestly don’t think so, and not because I asked and he told me no. I don’t think so because, honestly, who else would put up with all of this? When I respond with this, people laugh uncomfortably and nod in agreement. But there is someone else, or at least something else: music.
The person I married is gone. Whoever this new person is, Tej Blaze, is involved with something else called music. Common made a song called “I Used to Love Her” where her was affectionately referred to as hip hop. That’s what my husband is in love with. That’s what he’s willing to throw away our marriage for. He wants so badly to be an artist and a rapper and a storyteller that he will use any and all available time and funds to make music. When I would ask for weekends together, he’d claim he had music to mix. I want to stay during the weekdays after work, he has to record. He needed the computer to edit their music video. It’s all about his music.
I am hurt beyond belief, to the point where I feel it in my soul. My best friend and love of my life is gone. I don’t know who this new person is, but he has no time or love for me. And that hurts. I definitely cry from the way he’s treated me these past few weeks/months, but I cry even more at the thought that my best friend is gone. When I brought up the commitment we made to each other and the covenant we made before God, he didn’t acknowledge it. That scares me, because he’s a man of God.
I stand by the fact that I do not want to get a divorce. Both of my parents got divorced and I see what it does to families. It doesn’t just destroy those 2 people who were once one. I didn’t sign up for a part time marriage or a throw away one for that matter. But the fact still remains he doesn’t want me anymore. He doesn’t want to be married. His wife is music, not Briana. And that truth hurts.