I have come to the conclusion that I am experiencing my quarter life crisis. You know, the identity crisis people go through, but instead of it being when I’m middle aged, I’m having it now, in my early 20s (assuming I live until my 80s that is). Anyways, yeah, that’s what’s going on. I think it’s a bit comical, frustrating, and liberating all at the same time. Looking back at my younger self, I was a square. Or a stick. Who knows. I was so set in my ways and my goals. I knew what I wanted to do, I had a timeline, and I was the hardest person on myself. Then 2009 came, and my world as I knew it came tumbling down. I began to become this unsure, uncertain person going through some crazy phase.
I have my high moments and my low moments, which of course led me to believe I was bipolar, but my therapist ruled that out. I was, however, suffering from depression. Still a battle, but not like it once was. I don’t feel unbearably sad anymore like I used to. Instead, I feel irritatingly indecisive. Oh God am I indecisive. I spend so much time thinking and pondering and making sure, and ruling out, and it’s sickening, even to me, so I’m sure it’s annoying to my family and friends. I’m a perfectionist, which explains this, but it of course messes up any chance at perfection. So then I become a walking oxymoron.
I wrote out a list of 21 things I want to accomplish before I turn 22, and I wrote it in my Franklin Covey planner as well so I can see it on a daily basis. The problem is, well, there’s a few problems. All of those problems lie within myself:
- I’m impatient
- I’m anxious
- I over extend myself, then I under perform
- I’m a people pleaser
- I’m a worrier and a stresser
I don’t want this to become a self hatred post because it really isn’t. I don’t hate myself at all, but I can’t deny that those problems get in the way of potential progress. There’s times where I miss the person I was, but there’s a reason I’m not like I was before. I want to be better. It’s so much easier to say things than to do them. Then again, some things are so simple to do, then I make them way more complex than they need to be. Then I get frustrated. Then I get angry. Then I get sad. What a roller coaster ride that is.
I’ve been having some crazy dreams lately, and I’ve been looking up the symbols in a dream dictionary, and it’s funny how all of the symbols point to a change in my life, an inner conflict, letting go of the past and embracing now. I’d like to blame genetics but none of my family is as anal as I am. I’m a hybrid or something. I can sort of blame the zodiac; Libras like balance, so when I’m in one extreme, I have to even it out with another.
What’s a Quarter Life Crisis?
Well I can assure you I won’t be buying anybody’s motorcycle, hitting any clubs, or drowning my sorrows in booze or drugs. But I do see a lot of soul searching. I want to learn a lot, try a lot, see a lot, and do a lot. I think what has me so on edge is that I know I’ll make some mistakes. Perfectionists + mistakes = nuclear explosion. It’s not fun nor is it pretty. I know, I know, nobody’s perfect. I know that. But striving towards perfection doesn’t stop because you know that. Most people going through quarter life crisises travel, explore, become nomads, go off the grid. I sort of, kind of, can’t do that with a husband and a furry four legged friend. So what can I do? Change my mind…a lot. Ask a bunch of questions. Get my hands dirty. Step out of my comfort zone (or erase it all together).
Lucky you! You get to watch this train wreck happen! Unless, of course, you hit the red button in the corner of your browser. Then I’ll be sad; don’t make a depressed person sad. So instead, tell me what you think about a quarter life crisis. A bunch of baloney or a legit experience?