Did Getting Married Sacrifice Friendships?

There’s been something bothering me for a long time, probably for the past couple of years. I’ll admit, I was probably in denial of it and didn’t want to accept it. Maybe I was confusing correlation and causes with coincidences. However the evidence is all there and it pokes and tugs at me all the time: I don’t have friends. Now I don’t want to say that in the sense that I have no one to talk to. I actually do have a very best friend, someone who has been there for me since the 6th grade, but she lives in Arizona. According to Facebook, I have 901 friends. However, I don’t have friends nearby, in my life, and I believe it has everything to do with my relationship.

When Tej and I first started hanging out, not even dating, we got close because the girlfriends I had in high school would regularly hang out without me. I’d have cheer practice or work, and they wanted to hang out after school. Even after I quit cheer, they continued to make plans without me and not invite me places, only for me to find out the following day during nutrition or lunch when they would recap. After we graduated, we lost touch. When I tried to reach out to one of the girls and ask why she wouldn’t return my calls and texts, or even speak to me at work (I got her a job at my job and she wouldn’t even speak to me), she said because I chose my then-boyfriend-now-husband over our friendship. I thought she was delusional, as I was always there for her and always wanted to hang out, but was frequently left out.

Another friend from that group, I later found out, perpetuated the friendship I just mentioned, and I believe she was the cause of my former friend’s feelings. She spread lies about things I never said, and this wasn’t the first time she lied. Our relationship had been rocky since the 4th grade. After 10 years of friendship, we cut our ties. More friends, my friendship breakups. Common denominator in many of them: my husband.

Now I have never been the type to just assume that people are jealous of me. Growing up my family would tell me that was the reason that people were not nice to me, and I always thought it was a vain and cocky thing to think. So even now, I would never say I have lost my female friends due to jealousy. Even if that was the case, I wouldn’t believe it. I just don’t believe I have anything for anyone to be jealous about. I’m very humble, and I love my husband, but we’re certainly not the perfect couple. I never put my relationship above my friendships, but I most certainly will choose my husband over my friends, just based on our commitment and covenant. But I’m still very lonely.

I have several associates, people I can have online conversations with, but I don’t have anyone to come over and hang out, drink wine, shop, etc. I have my mom, but I don’t have anyone my age. I often envy when my husband’s friends come over because I don’t have that. He has friends he’s been close with since Kindergarten. I don’t have elementary friends (again besides my best friend in Arizona) anymore. I don’t get to connect with other young women, aside from blogging. Even in my blogging circles, I am always the youngest by several years. It’s a bit upsetting.

At this point, I’m not sure where or how to meet new friends. It was so much easier in elementary school, wasn’t it? You were in the same room as most of these kids from 8am until 2:30pm, so you were almost forced to make bonds. Working from home isn’t making any better, but I didn’t even make new friends when I was going to college. Last night, I was wondering if I would still have those friends if I weren’t married. I’ve considered maybe it’s who I married as opposed to me being married in general. Who knows. Obviously my husband is here to stay, there’s no question about it. But I really wish I had some friends nearby.

Did you lose friends when you got involved in a relationship? Do you have tips for finding new friends?

5 Responses to Did Getting Married Sacrifice Friendships?

  1. I think it’s just hard to make new friends once you are out in the adult world, i.e. outside of college or graduate school. It’s hard because you are not in an environment anymore where everyone is excited and open to meeting new people, and where logistically it is much easier to spend time with your friends.

  2. As you get older, you began to grow, mature, and the things that were once important are no longer as important. Especially when in a relationship (now marriage). I find that it’s harder to hold on to old friendships as my roles in life change i.e fiancee, mother, etc. But like you, I sometimes feel lonely so now i’m trying to connect with those who share my common interests.

  3. I lost PLENTY of friends in the pursuit of my relationship. And at times, I’ve regretted it, but I think, what would have happened if I did choose my friends over my then boyfriend who needed me more than they did at that time… He may not even be here. Its a sacrifice but I’d rather have my Man now than my so called friends from them. And what’s even crazier, I was having this very conversation this week. My one bestfriend, is single and has TONS of other ppl to hang out with so I hardly ever see here. I WISHED we lived closed bcus We would make such good friends! Idk how to make friends anymore either but my husband said that God would send me a true friend eventually! 

  4. I agree with CDSutton about holding on to friendships with life changes.  My best friend became a mother, and because we lived over an hour apart, our friendship seemed more token than real after a while.  Naturally, she began bonding really closely with other young mothers because she was going through things that I couldn’t relate to.

    I’m perhaps a bit too introverted to take the advice I’m about to give, but the answer is simple: reach out more.  Join pottery classes, or pick up a new sport.  My fiance and I just moved across the country, and I”m trying to attend as many work happy hours as financially acceptable to put myself out there, and I’m hoping that he’ll be able to make friends with the guys at his jiu jitsu gym.  Once we’re settled, we’re going to try and entertain our friends at our place a little bit more to create an occasion for hanging out.  Be strong, and best wishes.

  5. WOW ….I went through the exact same thing! I lost my “Best Friend”  of almost 8 years when i started dating my Husband. She was a single mother and had other responsibilities  …that i couldn’t fully relate too. I grew closer to God and i didn’t want to party and drink with her every weekend. I was no longer single but Engaged. But i have found new friends at my church thru our Marriage group. 

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