Yesterday, I had a much needed talk with my husband. I had been bottling up and holding on to a few things that had really been bothering me about him, which included the issue I brought up on “You Spent How Much on What?!” It’s not healthy to keep things in, for your physical, emotional, or relationship health. So after taking a walk with Frankie around the neighborhood and clearing my head, I finally approached him about everything I had been thinking.
I poured out my heart & soul, and I felt so much better. I no longer felt like I was dealing with this alone, but now felt like he was aware of what was going on, even though everything I mentioned had to do with him. Isn’t it funny how we never know exactly what we’re doing until someone tells us? I mentioned how I feel a lack of support when it comes to my interests and ventures, being overly critical at times, and being more affectionate (how about those love languages).
He was receptive and willing to do whatever it took, which is exactly what I needed to hear. Our 1 year anniversary is coming up in 2 months, and I want to see more and more anniversaries together. What’s going to be super important in achieving that goal is communicating effectively.
You know what I’ve noticed? Guys don’t get hints. They just don’t understand clues, even if it was written on a post-it and stuck to their forehead all day. You have to tell them exactly what’s bothering you if you want something to change. They don’t get it when you’re being subtle, so at times you just have to be blunt. So while I wasn’t getting results by expecting hubby to just catch on and make a change, now that I laid things out to him in plain and simple terms, he gets it, and I’m so happy.
A lot of men hate hearing “we need to talk”, and it brings up awful anxiety. You have to find a way to get him to engage with you without being reluctant. If you go into something thinking it’s going to be an argument, it’s probably going to turn into an argument. I’m not looking to argue. I’m looking to ABCD:
- Adjust: Make a change for the better, don’t stay the same for the mediocre or the worst.
- Barter: What can I give you and what can you give me in order to benefit each other?
- Compromise: Can’t agree? Let’s meet in the middle.
- Discuss: Let’s talk like adults and discuss the issues at hand, instead of accusing and being defensive
A lot of people forget that relationships are supposed to be not just about you, but about the other person too. Ideally, it should be 100/100 (others like to say 50/50). But at times you see relationships that are 60/40, 70/30, or even less. I wouldn’t want to get below 55/45, and even then, it should switch off (maybe the husband is 55 one day and the wife is the next, or vice versa). You can’t always get your way. It has to be our way.
It’s only been a day since our talk, but hubby has already began to adjust. He’s making a change for the better, and I appreciate it. If there are things that are bothering him, I encourage him to discuss it with me too. We’re not mind readers unfortunately, so the saying holds true: a closed mouth don’t get fed. So how am I supposed to improve my relationship if I don’t know what needs improving?
How often do you and your spouse communicate about issues? Is it met with anxiety or with eagerness?