Author Archives: Briana

Bye Baby

I met my husband December 2006. We became best friends and we began dating in August 17, 2007. We moved in together July 6, 2010. We got engaged December 5, 2010. I bought the domain 20andEngaged.com 2 days later. My first post on the blog was January 4, 2011. We got married 2 years ago today, May 20, 2011. I was 20 years old.

Since the beginning of our relationship, so much about me has changed. Since the beginning of this blog, so much about me has changed. So many ups and downs. I look at old blog posts and read old journals from the past 2 years and I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say. Which is why this will be my last blog post on How’s Married Life.

A couple of times, there have been wives who have reached out to me, asking for advice and support while they deal with a possible divorce. And each time it gives me an anxiety attack. “Did they read the blog?” I wonder to myself. “They think I can help them? I don’t have answers for my own marriage; how can I help theirs?” And those wives have children, which adds another element I’m not familiar with, and a sensitive topic anyways since I’ve always wanted kids. I pray for them, I tell them what I suggest they don’t do from my experience, and hope my words help, if even for a little bit.

I’ve met a lot of wonderful and supportive people since I started blogging, people who have checked in on me when I disappear for a while. People who have offered encouraging words and prayers during difficult times. And I’m so appreciative of every one of you. I wish I could hug all of you.

I am leaving How’s Married Life to truly find out for myself what it’s about. I want to rediscover myself as an individual, and, if possible, relearn how to be a wife. I want to take a proactive approach and not just sulk about what has happened. People have continuously told me to move on, so that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving on to a new stage in my life. While the past 5 months have been in a new chapter, I want to close it, and start yet another one. This new chapter, I pray, will be much more joyful than the last.

Again, I’d like to thank you for all of your support, from 20 and Engaged to How’s Married Life. The blog will continue, just not with me. I will pray for everyone who has read the blog as you all have prayed for me. I’ll still be around, Twitter, Facebook. I’ll continue to blog here and there, just not about marriage exclusively. So it’s not necessarily bye, but rather see you later. And again, thank you.

Filling the Void

I don’t post much anymore. Mostly because I’m unsure of what to say or how to say it. I live in a state of confusion, and it’s frustrating. But everyday is a learning experience and everyday I’m one step closer to peace.

I have an undeniable void that nags and begs for my attention. Most times I try to ignore it because I don’t know how to address it. Other times when I’m not busy, I try to figure out how to handle it. I pray, I read books, I listen to music, and the void is still there. It’s the most frustrating thing I’ve ever experienced.

I’ve now been separated for 4 months, and it’s been an emotional roller coaster. It’s lead me to question so much: my husband, myself, the foundation of our relationship, events throughout our relationship, the authenticity of our marriage, you name it. It’s also caused me to take a good, hard, long look at a lot of things: my goals, my motives, myself. So instead of trying to avoid the void, I’m trying to tackle it head on.

Many people have voids for various reasons. Everyone approaches them differently. Some people opt for alcohol, medication, recreational drugs, promiscuity, reckless spending, but all these things are the equivalent of Fix-A-Flat. These are temporary solutions to a very real and very serious problem. It needs a repair, not a quick fix.

To be honest, part of me comes up with excuses as to why I “can’t” deal with the void. The biggest excuse is that I need answers/closure. But I have to become okay with the fact that I may never get those things. I hate limbo. It is the most maddening state of being I’ve ever been in. The state of uncertainty. The problem with not knowing. The fear of questionable outcomes. I hate it. But what can I do about it? I can be upset but that doesn’t help or change anything.

I miss my husband. I miss him as my partner, I miss him as my best friend. I haven’t seen him in 2 months. We only talk¬†sporadically. When we do talk, I end up going off the deep end (embarrassing). The few times I’ve gone to file, I couldn’t do it for one reason or another. I don’t know if that’s a sign or just a roadblock. Who knows. But I do miss him.

With the breakdown in this relationship, I’ve been able to strengthen my relationship with God. I’ve been going to church more often, I’ve regularly attended bible study, I’m reading the Purpose Driven Life, I listen to podcasts, I look for scriptures on my own, and biggest of all, I pray. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed this much in my life. I pray in the morning, I pray at night, I pray in the middle of the day. It definitely helps, even when I don’t see immediate “results”, I know it’s working.

So honestly with all this uncertainty and being in limbo and being estranged (ugh when I looked up the definition of that it just irked me even more), I still have to face this void. I can’t just fill it, I have to conquer it. It’s messy, it’s mind numbing, it’s scary, but it’s necessary. I’m allowing myself to be open. I’m allowing myself to be vulnerable. I’m allowing myself to feel my feelings. And I am confident that no matter what happens, I am going to be victorious when it comes to this void.

I say all this to say if you have a void that you’ve been avoiding, take it head on. I’m not saying don’t be scared; it’s scary! I’m saying do it anyways. Be courageous. Stop trying to fill the void. It’s like filling your stomach with food. You get full, but eventually, you get hungry again. No, this is something that has to be dealt with and ultimately eliminated. So let’s do it.

Why Did I Get Married?

There’s a movie by Tyler Perry called “Why Did I Get Married?” and it’s actually one of my favorite movies. It’s about 4 couples who get together every year for a mini retreat, and I won’t give away the rest for those of you who haven’t seen it. There’s also a sequel, but I hated it. Anywho, it brings about a very good question. I was also watching the OWN network, and Oprah showed an older episode where a couple was on and trying to figure out if they should get married or not. It was clear to everyone that they shouldn’t, and they didn’t.

So it made me bring the question to myself. Why did I get married? 3 months into a separation, I guess it’s a good question to ask.

I Got Married Because I Love My Husband

One of the more obvious reasons, I got married because I love my husband. We were dating for almost 4 years when he asked me to marry him, and I couldn’t imagine a reason to not say yes. Even at the age of 20, I loved this man so much, and couldn’t see any cons as to why we shouldn’t get married.

I Got Married Because It Was a Goal

It’s no secret that one of my lifetime goals was to get married. I didn’t want to get married just to do it, but it was definitely something I wanted to do at some point in my life.

I Got Married Because I Wanted a Partnership

Getting married, for me, was more than the wedding. We started planning a bigger wedding, but because of our finances, we chose a smaller, more intimate courthouse wedding. But I was looking past that. I wanted a partnership. I loved the idea that a marriage meant I would have someone to bounce ideas off of, confess my fears, someone to protect me, someone who would always be there. A partnership can be fulfilled outside of marriage, but a partnership based on unconditional love is a blessing.

These basically sum up the reasons why I got married. This is definitely not a list of reasons why I love my husband, but just a few reasons I had to figure out to see what my motives are.

In my time of reflection, I’ve been able to look back on my marriage, and even my relationship before we got married, and see where a lot of things went wrong. Not just flaws on my husband’s part, but many flaws on my part. I wonder if marriage was the right thing to do, even though my reasons I listed above are very valid. I wonder if the reasons why I got married are reasons enough to¬†stay married.

My husband believes that I don’t want to get divorced because I don’t want it to “be on my record”. I get what he’s trying to get at, but that’s not the case at all. I realize that marriage is a lifelong commitment, a covenant, something that requires a lot of work, and more time than 2 years. But I realize it takes 2.

Can the reasons you get married remain relevant throughout your marriage? Do the reasons change overtime?