We have arrived at the final day of 2012. This has been quite the year for everyone as far as I know. A lot has happened to/for me/us.
- The Suze Orman fiasco started the year off with a bang. Her Approved Card was denied by personal finance bloggers everywhere.
- We gave our 30 day notice to our landlord for moving out of our townhouse.
- We lost Whitney Houston which was a very sad day.
- We packed up our townhouse and moved out, which was a very sad week.
- Being apart after living together for two years was hard, even when we did get to see each other.
- The move wasn’t just hard on us, Frankie had it rough too. He wasn’t really wanted at either household. At one point, my grandma even accused me of loving my dog more than my husband.
- This was a rocky month for sure. My father-in-law started chemotherapy for his leukemia.
- Hubby and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary of being married.
- After celebrating, we highly considered joining the Air Force to improve our lives.
- After 15 months of being unemployed, I got a job!
- I announced to everyone I had to surrender Frankie and find him a new home.
- There was a lot of family health issues, including my grandpa’s many hospital trips and my great uncle passing away.
- Trying to nurture a new marriage in 2 households was getting extremely stressful.
- I finally started trying to figure out why my baby fever was so strong.
- I went to FINCON12 and had a blast!
- I got bit by what I thought were bed bugs (come to find out, well, we don’t know what bit me) and considered buying a new mattress.
- Hubby turned 22.
- I decided to make a plan to leave my debt behind.
- After going to Georgia for my great uncle’s surprise party, I fell in love with Atlanta and highly considered and started planning to move there.
- I turned 22, but spent the day crying because of a huge fight with my husband about Atlanta.
- Extended family members started pressing me about having kids.
- I entertained the thought of focusing on me instead of my marriage.
- More arguments between my husband and I that have me wanting to give our marriage a break.
Now it’s clear from this timeline, our marriage has gone through a lot in its infancy, more than you would hear of or think from any fairy tale story you may pick up. The constant arguing and bickering has been frustrating. Living in two separate homes with our families has been maddening. My husband still isn’t working, and in my eyes, he’s been regressing, and he refuses to go to counseling.
In 2013, I would love for my marriage to be uplifted, strengthened, and for us to move forward. If this is going to work, we absolutely have to be under the same roof (sooner rather than later), work tirelessly on communicating, and invest all the time and energy that is needed. I’m completely willing to do this, and anything else we need to do. Unfortunately, the past few arguments have been emotionally exhausting, and my husband has expressed that we got married too early, that maybe he doesn’t want to do this anymore. He wants more and and more time alone, away from me, not speaking to me. He won’t read the books I’ve asked him to read. He won’t talk to anyone about what’s going on, including me. His heart isn’t in it, and it shows so much in his actions, or lack thereof.
I’ve put a lot of energy into learning about what it takes to make a marriage work and how to be a wife. Possibly, too much energy. Admittedly, I’ve lost myself in the process. So my resolution for the year is to find me again. I want to rediscover the things I like to do and the person I am, aside from being Terrance’s wife. I fell in love with reading again, I plan on training for a half marathon in May, and maybe a full marathon in October. Although I’ve lost weight this year, I want to hit my goal weight within the next few months. I plan on continuing working hard at my job until I can find more secure employment with the Sheriff’s Department. I want to do things for me now.
My friend Ginger of Girls Just Wanna Have Funds was brave enough to announce her divorce on her blog, and it has definitely opened my eyes to the possibility. I would love to work on my marriage, and strengthen it. I wouldn’t have gotten married if I didn’t think we could do this. But at the end of the day, I can’t force my husband to want to work on it, and I can’t do it alone. I can’t rely on him for my happiness, I have to find it in myself. I’m more than a wife, I’m Briana. I have wants and needs, desires and dreams, just like any other woman. And I plan on fulfilling them in 2013. I would hope that he’s along for the ride, but I have to be okay if he’s not.
When I went to an outing with some high school friends, a lot of them asked me “how’s married life?” which is why I named my blog that. I answered honestly, “it depends on the day”. For the past 3 months, every other week, it has alternated from “it’s work but it’s worth it” to “it’s not supposed to be this hard”. And it shouldn’t be.